ANGER MISPLACED

Since she was a little girl she had hated her mum for something she thought her mom did. But how was she to know how wrong she would be proved

Abortion. Miscarriage. For a seven year old the meaning did not mean anything. She couldn’t differentiate between the two.

She found out that her mother has lost a child. She presumed that the child was her mother and fathers.
She lost it when she married her new husband.

Some years later she heard on the TV the word abortion she was used with regard to loosing a baby. She checked up the meaning. It was to terminate the pregnancy. She was under the illusion that her mother on purpose killed her sibling because her mother didn’t want to have a child of her fathers

For years she kept this anger, this hate hidden. She never spoke of it to anyone, not even her mother.
She secretly kept on resenting her. But as luck would have it she blurted out to her aunt who corrected her
Her aunt told her that her mother never aborted any child. The child she presumed was her fathers was actually her step father's child. Her young mind failed to make that connection that her mother and father had been divorced for a while.

And on top of that she found out that her mother actually miscarried meaning lost the child.
All her facts were based on her false assumptions.

Maybe it was cox she wanted some reason to hate her mother to driving her father away and bringing in someone else to replace him, or because she didn’t like the idea of her mother having any other mans child. Whatever the reason she learned her lessons. Her mother had always tried the best for her children no matter what. And she will NEVER put their lives born to other wise in any kind of danger.

She will forever have to live with the thought that she had unknowingly wronged her mother and she was too ashamed to tell her that. Maybe someday she will and then maybe she can out that to rest until then she will have to carry the burden.

DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL

You were supposed to help me walk,
but you ended up crippling me
You were supposed to be there for me,
But you ended up being the one who let me down
You were supposed to be my bestfriend,
But you turn out to worst than an enemy
You were supposed to be my dad,
But you ended up being just a stranger

I was suppoed to be you little princess,
But I ended up being just another gal without a dad
I was supposed to go with you for rides
But you never had time for me
I was supposed to lean on you
But every time I did I fell on my face;cox you were never there
I was supposed to be daddy's little girl
But I ended up being just a regular gal with divorced parents

I CAN'T BE PERFECT

All my life people had been telling me how I should live my life. Most of those decisions were made for me by mother. Walk this way, talk this way, do this, do that. But what about what I want. How would you feel if you were to act like a puppet? How would you like it if you were judge all your life?

When I was a kid I was a tomboy. So I had an intrest in sports. I participated in gymnastic but my mother didn't want me there so had to quit. Then I started playing badminton and was quiet good, and for that I was selected for the interschool but mom didn't want me to so I had no choice. That sports was also forgone. Then I got the oppotunity to be in the atletic meet but unfortunatly i got chicken pox during the try out and missed my chance. I felt as if life was playing one cruel joke on me.

I wanted to pursue my career as a doctor, but alas my mother had other ideas. She wanted something else for me. I know she must have thought she was doing what’s best for me. But she gave my little brother the choice that I never got. Why the difference? Cause I am a girl? Or Cox I am more dumb. No matter what the reason the decision was made. And there was nothing I can do about that.

But fate was more kind to me, I found the best treasure to be found in the world. I found friends. And not just any, the type you find once in a life time. And I thank God every day for that. Sometimes I think I should thank my mom too, but somehow I can’t bring myself to do so, somehow I still blame her for making that important decision of my life for me.

As luck would have it being a math’s wiz (I love numbers) I found the chosen option very easy, and my results were impressive. But on the other hand my brother results were disappointing. I never find pleasure in other people’s ill fate, but in this case somehow I felt relief as if I had proven something. I felt relieved.

No matter how much I want to hate my mom for how she controled my life I couldnt bring myself to do that. How can you hate some and love them at the same time. Or maybe my love for her is more strong and deep than the hatred. Or my hate was misplaced. No matter what the case I owe everything I am today to her. She had struggled hard and for that how can I hate her. So I can't even try to or even have the right. Sometimes my anger may get the better of me and I mght want to hate her but I don't think I can ever hate her

I strongly believe that we all are the masters of our own destination. The only person that change it is God Himself. I’m done with people making decisions for me, but still somehow I still don’t have the total control over my life, but I’m happy and thankful for what little control I have. At least for now, I am. As the saying goes Something is always better than nothing